I’ve recently set-up an accountability routine with one of my dear friends. She’s another female solopreneur, and we’ve established a weekly meeting for a work sprint. The process is hop on video chat, check in, set an intention for the call, mute ourselves, start the timer and get down to work. It’s been incredibly effective, and I love the practice, but this week I wasn’t feeling it. At the beginning of the call there was a bit more check-in and no rush on my part to get down to it. My intention was to write a blog post. Armed with a long list of topics I’ve been collecting for about 18 months it was supposed to be an easy thing I could get done. Yet, there was a reason that all those items I’ve either thought I’d like to expand on, or people have said “You should write about that” ended up on a list, and were never actioned.
As I sat there across the screen in this incredibly safe and supportive environment I could feel the knots forming in my stomach. When I told her the Chronicle was live she immediately clicked over to the site to check it out. She was excited for me, and wanted to witness me in this step. While I was grateful my friend was supporting my efforts I also felt a sense of dread. There was no escaping it — I had to at least get a solid start on a post. As we bounced topics I noticed every time she'd agree one was good to take on I was contracting, and those knots in my stomach tightened further. It took me a minute to admit it to myself, but I’d been hiding for over year when it came to this part of my work. I suddenly blurted, “Even When You’re Not Feeling It.” It was instantly clear, and I knew that was what I needed to write about.
For over a year I’ve been procrastinating on getting this section live on the site. It has been a perpetual “Coming Soon” attraction that I was unsure would ever arrive. About four months ago something shifted, and I decided that if I wasn’t putting myself and this content out there that I wasn’t fully standing in my truth. This was a big deal for me. I had to acknowledge I was out of integrity with myself, and I was being inauthentic in my relationships with my clients. If I was not doing the thing I’m always encouraging them to do — I created The T Hive to empower and support others in living from their truth — and if I’m only reaching the people who happen to find me through a friend of a friend; that is not being empowered and living from my truth. The moment I accepted this it was not something I could live with, and I had to do something about it.
It was still a month later by the time I contacted my amazing web developer and booked the dates to get this Chronicle live. No, it wasn’t a straight forward process once that decision was made. I side-stepped, retreated, and ended up changing to dates six weeks later than my original goal. Yes, there were things happening in my life that made the later timing easier, but it’d be disingenuous not to own that it also gave me additional time to hide. Once I paid the deposit I knew it was feet to the fire time, and yet I still didn’t write a single post. I had the three initial posts that she would be put up in the bag — I’d done a couple podcasts, and a webinar which I could package as content to get started. As you probably suspect after I prepared those I stuck my head firmly back in the sand.
Why am I sharing all of this? I want you to know even as a coach — a trained professional, who spends every day working with others and supporting them in getting out of their own way, claiming their space, and shouting it from the rooftops — that I deal with all of the same insecurities and fears as everyone else. Anyone who is telling you they don’t, well I don’t know if I trust that.
These insecurities manifest themselves in different ways in all of us, and for me it’s usually “Meh. I’m just not feeling it”. Over time I’ve come to understand that when I have that “meh” feeling, it’s not the time to back away, but a time to go deeper. Going deeper today is writing this post to share with you. Putting myself out there has long been a huge place of discomfort. I held back from starting this business, and later going on the record with my feelings, thoughts and aspirations for it. I did this for a variety of reasons, but mainly because I didn’t want to engage with any backlash or notoriety that could possibly arise from its success.
I know that the work I do is important, and I couldn’t be prouder of it. That doesn’t mean I don’t also at times fear what happens if and when it becomes hugely successful. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t want it to be a huge success. After all what I understand about my life’s purpose is deeply tied to this work being a success. The more people I reach the more impact the work is able to have, and from there a larger ripple effect is created. This work is my way of being the change I want to see in the world. Creating and supporting a community of people that are empowered to speak truthfully and live authentically while following their soul’s desire is what it’s all about.
As I dove deeper today and remembered the reason I created this space I understood the hiding I've been doing is withholding love and connection. In doing this work I develop love for every client I have the privilege of working with, and by extension all that is a part of them and that they are connected to. It’s inspired by the way they show up for themselves and allow me to see them, and then what they put into the world when they see and then claim themselves. I's being in community. Thinking of this community I am encouraged to continue all parts of the work; to do my work even through the discomfort. My knowing the discomfort most often leads to growth has not always been enough, as the last year+ has proven, but love and connection always will be. So here we are, and in this place I am totally feeling it.
In sharing this I hope the next time you find yourself with a task to complete, a practice to do, or a goal to achieve, but try as you might you just can’t get going that you will accept this as an invitation to go deeper. If taking the next step seems impossible, and inside you’ve reverted to what I like to call my toddler place of “I don’t wanna” that you will pause and ask — what does this feeling mean and/or what is it trying to tell me.
Sure, it might be that you’re afraid, you don’t believe you can do it, or even a signal that the path you’re on really isn’t the one you want to be. My desire for you is to allow yourself to be with whatever it is instead of hiding and/or beating yourself up with a feeling of failure or a thought of here I go procrastinating, being lazy, or any other negative thing you’ve ever thought or heard. In that pause and dive deeper there may be a discovery for you that once acknowledged and accepted will allow you to move forward in whatever you want to do/create/be.
This Chronicle honors those I work with, and is an offer to those I haven't, where I’ll be allowing you to see me as I speak my truth and stop hiding behind “not feeling it”.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, feelings, curiosity, so please comment below or click over to the Connect tab to share.